The most important relationship we may have in life is the relationship to ourselves. While we do not become our best self by ourselves, our relationships to others are essentially determined by the way we relate to ourselves. Not only is our relationship to ourselves the most important one, but it is also the most difficult one. It takes real leadership to get to know oneself and to be willing to embrace it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We all want to look smarter, younger, thinner, better, willing to forcefully reject what we do not like. Rejecting or even simply ignoring what disturbs us is, however, the cause of major suffering for ourselves. Until we are willing to investigate the dark corners and know ourselves, we will find it difficult to spend time on our own. It is also a cause of suffering to others, for as long as we feel uncomfortable with parts of ourselves, we will find it challenging to accept others and nurture relationships with others.
To some of us this will translate to the need to spend time on our own. To others it will point to the need to create sufficient space to be alone within relationships, or at least to be our true self with others. Being true to ourselves in relationships comes with the ability to stand without the mask of the various roles we play in society from parent, to colleague, friend, boss, adviser, sister, son. Integrating all the roles we play in life to let our true self shine through is another option, but that takes personal leadership. It stems from the ability to accept ourselves, and always choose our own voice over the expectations of others in any given role we are playing.
It takes courage to forget the mask and present our true selves to the world, as we are often feeling inadequate, not enough, or too much… We are usually our harshest critics. Yet for those who can keep off the mask, this is an opportunity to lead the way and give others permission to be themselves. Have you ever come across people like this? They walk in a room and bring a feeling of ease, warmth, and curiosity with them. They seize opportunities to discover, turned onto others and the world, free of limiting internal barriers. They are open and willing to engage. They acknowledge their idiosyncrasies and laugh at them lovingly. Their imperfect lives can always turn into glorious success. Through them we become alive, confident, and passionate. This is transformational leadership.