The sense of belonging is one of the most powerful human needs. The experience of separation and feeling excluded is at the very root of conflicts, even wars and certainly terrorism. The need to be heard is at the core of relationships. Many of us have experienced the challenge of being brushed aside in an argument, or the pain of being cast aside, be it in families, peer groups, or society at large. I can recall many instances and fundamental break-ups where I no longer belonged. Already at a young age, I felt that I no longer belonged in my country, no longer sharing the same values with society around me. Even without being overtly criticized, I also remember times when I felt like an outsider within my own family, either being humoured or simply unnoticed. I also experienced the common feeling of having been adopted, as I seemed so different from the rest of my family. Over time, I found out how many of us wondered that very same question.
These watershed moments in life are often interpreted as inadequacy or inability to belong. They are yet the result of a natural process of individuality – hardly a sign that we have failed our peers in some way. Some of us, in fact, respond to this search for individuality by pulling back from the very community to which we belong, even the people closest to us, in order to embrace a different environment within which we can experience a greater sense of commonality. It takes leadership in one’s life to explore our own individuality, and leaders in society are often people who have experienced such an individuation process at an early stage.
The break-up often leads to conflict. Yet your process of individuation does not have to lead to interpersonal tensions. These experiences often contribute to your own evolution, and that of society at large. If you are able to move beyond comparing yourself with others and accept the differences, if you can transform the raw feelings of being cast aside as you find your own path, your ability to lead will be strong. You will come to appreciate the need to separate as much as the need to belong, and welcome periods of separation in life’s unique journey.
Thank you Isabelle for your post! I really enjoyed reading. It is so profound what you say about our individualisationprocess and the hardship coming there to mature and beeing able to see ourself and life from a higher perspective and also from the deep from within perspective.It is good to recognise this in all of us. So that we dont need to hide our feelings of abandonement or fear of loss of love. Which shows up in different ways .We are all very vulnerable and try to hide that in different ways that creates conflicts. From the recognition and acceptence of our vulnerability we can start to find our true power that does not want to abuse or use others .
Many thanks Monique for taking the time to comment. I am glad you found this post interesting, and thank you for sharing your own thoughts.Isabelle