Tag: choices

Leadership by invitation

My latest leadership lesson I received this year from my elderly mother. Watching a loved one or even a peer traverse a path littered with stumbling blocks can be very painful. I find myself wanting to guide them and share the benefit of my own experience, my knowledge or wisdom. I have come to understand though that all human beings have the right to their own paths without the influence of others. Interfering in other people’s lives is denying them the enlightenment gained from drawing their own lessons. I had to accept that I may not identify with the choices of my mother, nor understand them, but she has the right to her own “mistakes”, her own way, her own pace.

Each one of us must earn our independence and gain illumination from making our own decisions. We have so much to learn from reflecting upon the consequences of our choices. Life is about choosing wisely. Understanding that each person must walk in their own way and at their own pace is necessary to lead wisely. Each one of us is unique and drawn to a different path. Yet we often feel tempted to direct the paths of others. Our egos convince us that we know better, often awaking a hidden craving for control within us. Beware!

If you feel compelled to intervene when watching another human being make his/her way slowly and painfully down a difficult path, try to empathize with his or her need to grow autonomously, and make his or her own way in and out of the world. Now people may ask for help and that is different. Indeed, you need a proper invitation to lead and share experiences, advice, drawing on your mistakes and wisdom. Watch for a cue though; do not over indulge. You may just need to provide the spark that will help others regain their balance to carry on their own path. To each their own. Remember that diversity is key to genuine leadership. 

Sourcing your leadership

I recently revisited a painful situation by meeting a colleague from the past. It brought me back to the day I was designed personae non grata in a country and had to leave. I realized how I had defined myself by a particular event, action, decision – not my own. I had become a victim in a big game well beyond my pay grade. I noted how I identified strongly with the political decision that resulted in unexpected negative consequences to the point where I became that perceived “wrong decision.” The disappointment and shame I felt about what I had interpreted as a mistake grew to the point of being a dominant part of my identity. I saw myself as a victim ashamed for not having successfully turned that decision around for myself.

However, there are no true right or wrong decisions. All decisions contribute to our development. They are an integral part of our existence but separate from ourselves. So a decision that doesn’t result in its intended outcome is not an illustration of character. It is merely an experience. We need to look beyond the decision/action and strive to understand why we made the choices we did, staying away from judgment, as we usually act on the basis of the best possible way forward in our mind at the time.

You have to remember that you cannot define yourself by your choices. You can avoid becoming your decisions by affirming that a bad decision was just an experience, and that next time you can choose to experience things differently. You are not your decisions. Your leadership is not the sum of your decisions – past, present or future. Your leadership lies within your character in dealing with these experiences.

If you want to be a leader try to become a storyteller

 I became aware last year of the power of storytelling. Our children have a way to show us the impact of a story, but we often diminish its role: this is just a story! What a shame… Children know best.  I believe storytelling has a powerful transformative ingredient worth remembering and considering, as we try to make changes around us or within our lives. 

We often carry on with life wondering how to get out of a situation where we feel stuck. We may even give up. We may yet realize that whatever may be the situation, it is always the result of choices we made consciously or unconsciously. We may even know deep down that this realization is the best way to take one hundred percent responsibility in how we feel and understand that, as a result, we have in us the power to get out of it.  Despite this awareness, we may have lost the ability or never consciously learned how to affect change and get out of our “stuckness.” This is because we have lost track of the link between where we are and the story we have been telling ourselves. 

Let us say that you have been telling yourself that you always fail… or you simply fear failure based on past experiences; this will block your ability to succeed. But you have the power to change the story you have been telling yourself. Listen to children changing their stories to get to the result they want… it is that easy! Acknowledge that you have been trying hard and did your best, spelling out all your actions and qualities, remembering the fine moments on your path. Then redress towards where you want to go. In doing this kind of work, you make it possible for a positive story to emerge, and for you to get out of a stuck place. Enjoy going after your new story for 2020!

Leadership lies within your story

Many of us enjoy reading a good biography. From Alexander the Great to the Great Catherine, I remember learning about a country through these voluminous biographies. Beyond historical figures, from people often in the news to complete strangers, everyone has a story. I recall my friend telling me how she loves taking the bus and engaging in conversations daily about where people are from. Indeed, we all have different paths and a fascinating story to share, if we take the time to listen, stay curious, and care to reach out to others.

Curiously, the story we least listen to is our own.  We do hear from family members and friends about episodes in our lives, but we rarely have this overall picture through our own biography.  Yet our path, the lessons learned, the choices made, the achievements, and even more the failures contributed to the unique perspective we have developed in life. It is a treasure trove waiting to be explored. 

In fact, your life may be your workshop to give – the path you developed to get through trials and tribulations, to enjoy different points of view (all yours!) from different periods of life. It leads you to greater awareness of who you are as a person. It also allows you to share because, in the end, your life is not only yours. It is your story to tell. It may help others, either through resonance or because of its contrast, comforting those who chose a different path. We each have something to contribute from the way we lead our lives.